Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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