Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Randomize
