every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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