On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
