Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
