my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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