sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize