Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You took a bar mat shot.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
