I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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