That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
