since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
