I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
