I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
