i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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