how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
