I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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