Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
one might say we're banned from that church
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
