how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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