dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
