I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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