if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
