I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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