Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
