Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize