gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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