I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
