i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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