I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
