Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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