I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Operation Purity has been aborted
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
