I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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