Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
