i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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