Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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