I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
