I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
