My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
