Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
