Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
