I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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