She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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