I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
