oh god the rape fog is back!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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