i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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