Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Randomize