I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
