So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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