my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
