your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
They have beer where we have blood.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
