wrigley field is MILF paradise
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
