He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize