But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
