I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
