If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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