Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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