My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
