As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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