I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
