I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
