you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
