I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
