she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
